 The Original Darts News & Info Web Site ...est. 1994! |
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The Original Darts News & Info Web Site ...est. 1994! |
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Article Index |
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Ask Mr. Darts Language Person 2/11/02 Welcome to ìAsk Mr. Darts Language Person,î the only column of its kind in the world, including England, dedicated to proper grammatorical usage in connection with the sport of darts. Special thanks are due to columnist Dave Barry of the Miami Herald, from whom I blatantly ripped off this idea. Barry is recognized as one of the leading language experts of our time. Recently he won the ìWorld Wrestling Grammar Federation Smackdownî after taking out William Safire with a well-placed knee to his gerunds.
The point of this column is simple: even if you canít throw a dart, if you understand the language of darts -- if you know what to say and what not to say -- you will be able to impress people. As we all know, darts people need all the help they can get when it comes to impressing people. Therefore, I am here to take your darts language questions and, hence, to play whatever small role I can to help ensure that when darts finally does become an Olympic sport, and ten-time world champion Phil Taylor is interviewed on television by Donna deVarona, he doesnít chase her around the set and try to show her his gerunds.
So, letís start todayís column with a darts punctuation question:
Q: My name is Gayle Farmer and I am the editor of the Professional Darts Corporationís (PDC) electronic magazine. I am, never, quite, sure, when, to, use, commas.
A: You should use a comma whenever you feel the need to pause in a sentence. EXAMPLE: ìSo me and my mate was down at the pub hoistiní a few jars and throwiní some arrows and my mateís bird was chalkiní and thatís when I noticed that, by crikey, sheís got a butt the size of Cheltenham.î
If you need to pause longer -- like when you want to emphasize how INCREDIBLY long something took to happen -- simply use more commas. EXAMPLE: Paul Lim patiently sipped his beer while Howie Dirks,,,,,,,,,, attempted again and again and again and again to close the double one.î
Q: Is Gayle a manís name or a womanís name?
A: Technically, it is a kind of wind.
Q: Dayton Strawbridge here. From Chicago. Donít know nutiní ëbout that place in Ohio. But check this: itís a MANís name. Daytonís a TOUGH manís name. Doubt that and I pop ya in da nose wit a ketchup bottle!î
A: Is there a question in there somewhere, Dayton?
Q: Yea. Some of us be talkiní the other night ëbout distractions, ya know, after we gots thrown out da bar. One of my boys says: ìLike I was telliní ya, broí, as I approached da line, a distraction caught my eye.î So, noticiní that somethiní jusí didnít sound right, I says: ìYo!!! That there sentence ainít grammatorically correct.î Can ya backs me up?
A: You are absolutely correct, Dayton. What you have there is an example of using the fractile pentameter tense when following a first person combustion impregnator. The sentence should be re-written as follows: ìAs I approached the line, a distraction with hellacious hooters caught my eye, so I forfeited the game and poured a Budweiser down her shirt. I think thatís why they booted us from the joint.î
Q: My name is Tommy Stewart. My buddies tell me I have the gift of gab. Iím thinking I might like to become a famous darts commentator like that nice British fellow, Sid Waddell. So, what I need to know is: whenís it dart and whenís it darts, whenís it triple and whenís it treble and whenís it hockey and whenís it oche?
A: Thanks for writing, Tommy. Iím sure many others have the same questions but are afraid to ask them because they donít want people to look at them funny, like theyíre some kind of pork chop or somethiní. Iím pleased to know that this doesnít bother you. Let me help.
ï The word ìdarts,î like the word ìhose,î is what is called a plural noun. So, just as one hose is referred to as a ìho,î the proper construction of the singular of the word darts is ìda.î EXAMPLE: Darin Young wired his final da because he was distracted by the ho with the hooters.
ï ìTrebleî is not a word. No where. No way. It is what grammatorians refer to as a flatulent British infarction. The correct term is, indeed, triple. EXAMPLE: After pounding the triple, Ray Carver immediately advanced to third base, where he then scratched his gerunds.
ï The correct term to use when referring to the toe line is NOT hockey: itís oche! While some believe the word can be traced back many centuries to the birth of the British Darts Organizationís (BDO) head honcho, Ollie Croft, nobody really knows where this term came from. And nobody seems to care. As one grammatorian recently explained: ìWhatcha gonna call it, a football? Itís just a stupid-ass line on the floor.î
Q. Speaking of Ollie Croft, what can the letters of his name be rearranged to spell?
A. ìRelic of Lotî
Q. Whatís the significance of this anagram, mysteriously buried deep inside Ollie Croftís name?
A. Lot was the guy from Book of Genesis who was admonished by the angels, who were sent by God to destroy the five cities in the valley of Jordan, to leave the city of Sodom with his wife and daughters, and not look back. But his wife did look back. The angels turned her into a pillar of salt.
Q. And the significance is WHAT?
A. Who said it was significant?
Q. You did! YOU brought it up. WHY am I reading this crap?
A. Well, it isnít significant. Itís stupid. Iím just flagrantly padding this column to reach the requisite number of words.
Q. Oh. Okay. Are we at the point yet where you customarily take a poke at PDC Tournament Director, Tommy Cox?
A. Actually, we are at that point. But Tommy gets a break this week because heís finally got around to scheduling a tournament in Vegas this summer. Itís called the Royal Really Big Honkiní $100,000 Dynamic Desert Classic. Iíll be there. I like tea and crumpets.
Q: Hi there, Big Boy. This is Tiffany. Remember me?
A. Uh. I thought I told you not to write me here?
Q: Hey! Dave Reese here. Remember ME? I took you out a while back at the Chesney shoot in Philadelphia. I also whipped you in Charlotte. And Richmond. Har. Har. You suck. Anyway, my friends call me ìWoody.î Can you tell me when it is appropriate for the announcer to use my nickname at a darts tournament?A. Woody. Woody. Woody! What are you trying to do, lure me into to saying something that could cause me to insult the four members of the female persuasion who still read my stuff? Iím sorry, but I have to respectfully decline to answer your question.
I write a clean, non-sexist, politically correct column here.
Besides, itís just about time for the Man Show. They have trampolines!
From the Field,
Dartoid
From the Field,
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